By Joe Bright

I want to tell you the story of how Doug Vann finally made it to Burma. He had been looking forward to attending the retreat in Burma in January, 2000, and we all felt the pain of that unfulfilled plan when he passed away last summer. What most don't know were the circumstances by which his energy and effort propelled me to the retreat in Burma.

Last July's retreat in Honolulu was my first. The noble silence we practiced meant that my introduction to Doug, who sat behind me in the meditation hall, was through our non-verbal habits. Certainly those qualities helped bolster our practice as afterwards, at one of our weekly sittings, he came to me and expressed his enjoyment of our sitting together. Then, more as statement than question, he said: "So you are going to Burma." My reply to the contrary confused him and he said that he had such vivid imaginings of how great it will be to travel and meditate in Burma with me. My surprise was that I held a deep, unexpressed interest in going. I had known of the impact the retreat had on Shereen the year before, but I told him of the difficulty I would have in financing any travels. We agreed that one never knows how opportunities arise, and I thought that he seemed the sort who finds solutions to obstacles where none seem apparent. With that, our ten-minute conversation was over.

The following Saturday, Shereen called to inform me of his passing. That was also when I learned his last name and wondered if there was a relation to the Mike Vann I knew in high school. The next day's sitting/service for Doug confirmed the relation and I was able to tell Mike about meeting his father. Naturally I made sure I was able to attend the following week's boat procession and potluck. During the potluck, it was announced that there was a scholarship in Doug's name for the Burma retreat. I felt that karmic opportunity could not be passed up, and so I let Steven Smith know that I was interested.

Many months later the plans came together very well. I picked up Doug's remaining ashes, which had been kept in an urn after his burial at sea in Honolulu so that they could be taken to Burma, and I was off to Asia for the first time. The trip itself was magical. Each step arriving and leaving the monastery seemed well cared for. The whole adventure can't be told here. Perhaps in emails, if anyone is interested. Let it suffice to say that the trip through Bangkok and various places in Burma was filled with a whole cast of interesting and compassionate characters.

Of the retreat itself I can say that we should all be so fortunate as to experience the environment created in the Sagaing Hills for the practice of Vipassana meditation. The continuous practice in that protected environment helped me to find the willingness to experience fears and doubts. The fruition of the investigation came on the final morning.

I offered dana from Shereen for a breakfast in Doug's honor. The managers saved it for the day that we would spread the remaining ashes in the Ayeyarwaddy River. I awoke that morning feeling very emotionally tight in my stomach. As I sat at breakfast with little appetite, my mind turned to my memories of Doug. I reflected on the whole experience of the retreat and the fact that it was possible for me to attend because he had died. I thought of how he had suffered; how the family and friends had suffered, and how I had been granted the opportunity to face my suffering as a result. With these thoughts came the full weight of understanding of the uncertainty and nobility with which we face our toils and joys. I can't put into words the flood of sorrow and gratitude I felt for all our efforts to endure in life. I thought how I would like to live with the sense of urgency and passion that seemed to characterize Doug's life.

Soon after, the teachers and I were in a boat moving into the currents of the Ayeyarwaddy. As Michele McDonald-Smith chanted, we took turns letting the ashes go into the swirling silt. As the distinct grayness of the ashes mingled and then dissolved into the brown of the river, a central theme of my trip took root. It concerned the lack of control over arising conditions, but that all conditions are worth experiencing. It showed me that we can actually experience them if only we are willing, at least briefly, to become and remain open to what our life is. If we are willing to share this openness, then sometime, somehow we all wind up supporting each other.

And so it was that Doug reached and became a part of Burma. I thank all for their practice and support. I dedicate my practice that you, too, may feel the touch of mindfulness. I hope that wherever Doug is now, he has felt an inexplicable sense of peace and contentment for having helped me through all of this.

Metta to you all.

This article appeared originally in the Vipassana Hawai'i News, Fall 2000